The date on this post will never change because I don't know how to add a post without making the link list go to the bottom of the blog. So, it will forever say March 15th...unless I figure out how to fix that little problem.

If you are in need of a new April Fool's Day Joke to play on a co-worker, I would love to hear from anyone with the cahunes to do this:



These are way too funny not to share! Enjoy!

1. A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs -and I was in the wrong one.
Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald,San Antonio , TX .
2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," replied the patient.
Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA
3.. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."
Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada
4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one. Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA
5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered..."Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive."
Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis , OR
6. I was caring for a woman and asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste" the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."
Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI
7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."
Submitted by RN no name
AND FINALLY!!!................
8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB , I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener".
Dr. wouldn't submit his name

Can you tell the difference between a serial killer and a computer geek?
http://www.malevole.com/mv/misc/killerquiz/

fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too Cna yuo raed tihs?i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg.The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch atCmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in awrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer bein the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raedit whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed erveylteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and Iawlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!

http://www.awfulplasticsurgery.com/

And what on EARTH has Meg Ryan done?
http://www.awfulplasticsurgery.com/archives/000303.html

And Marie Osmond? OMG...NOT Marie???
http://www.awfulplasticsurgery.com/archives/000564.html

And then there's...who the heck IS this man?
http://atlanta.craigslist.org/m4w/143799218.html

Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

I didn't even know this was an OPTION:
http://www.slate.com/id/2137959/?nav=navoa&GT1=7932

Things heard in court:

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: How old is your son-the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

Q: Did he kill you?

Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, Sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Q: You were not shot in the fracas?
A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.

Q: Doctor, before you signed the death certificate, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you signed the certificate?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. But now that you mention it, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.


Woman who ripped off ex-lover's testicle jailed

A jilted woman who ripped off her ex-lover's testicle with her bare hands was jailed for two-and-a-half years today.
Amanda Monti, 24, flew into a rage when 37-year-old Geoffrey Jones rejected her advances at the end of a drunken house party.
She yanked off his left testicle and tried to swallow it, Liverpool Crown Court heard.
But Monti choked and spat it out before a friend handed it back to Mr Jones with the words: "That's yours."
In a statement read to the court, Mr Jones said: "Amanda attacked me in an unprovoked manner and the attack has ruined my life."
Monti, from Birkenhead, Merseyside, pleaded guilty to wounding and was sentenced to two and a half years in jail.

In West Virginia:

No children may attend school with their breath smelling of "wild onions.

Unmarried couples who live together and "lewdly associate" with one another may face up to a year in prison.

It is legal for a male to have sex with an animal as long as it does not exceed 40 lbs.

A person may be placed in jail for up to six months for making fun of someone who does not accept a challege.

It is illegal to snooze on a train.

A person may not hold public office if he or she has ever participated in a duel.

For each act of public swearing a person shall be fined one dollar.

According to the state constitution, it is unlawful for anyone to own a red or a black flag.

Roadkill may be taken home for supper.

Whistling underwater is prohibited.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20060316/od_nm/sex_dc

• "A head is going to run between $550 to $900. One hand on the market here is worth $350 to $850. Each leg costs between $700 and $1,000. And each foot runs anywhere from $200 to $400." —Rita Cosby, Live and Direct

http://www.nypost.com/gossip/pagesix/63236.htm

There is in fact an Illinois law that prohibits a number of things, one of which is a public erection, and another one of which is nude dancing. The prohibition against the public erection has never been challenged in the Supreme Court, but the prohibition against nude dancing has.

It is illegal for a man to give his sweetheart a box of candy weighing less than fifty pounds in Idaho.

In Denver it is unlawful to lend your vacuum cleaner to your next-door neighbor.There is a law on the books of TENNESSEE that says a man must run in front of a vehicle that a woman is driving, and, that the car may not go faster than five miles an hour!

In Riverside, California, kissing on the lips, unless both parties wipe their lips with carbonized rose water, is against the local health ordinance.

An Illinois state law requires that a man's female companion shall call him "master" while out on a date. The law does not apply to married couples.

In Carmel, New York, a man cannot be seen in public while wearing a jacket and pants that do not match.

In the grand city of Ottumwa, Iowa, it is illegal for any man, within the corporate city limits, to wink at any female with whom he is "unacquainted."

In Zion, Illinois, it is illegal for anyone to give cats, dogs, or other domesticated animals a lighted cigar.

NY State Laws

A fine of $25 can be levied for flirting. This old law specifically prohibits men from turning around on any city street and looking "at a woman in that way." A second conviction for a crime of this magnitude calls for the violating male to be forced to wear a "pair of horse-blinders" wherever and whenever he goes outside for a stroll.

It is against the law to throw a ball at someone's head for fun.

A license must be purchased before hanging clothes on a clothesline.The penalty for jumping off a building is death.

A person may not walk around on Sundays with an ice cream cone in his or her pocket.

While riding in an elevator, one must talk to no one, and fold his hands while looking toward the door.

Slippers are not to be worn after 10:00 P.M.

In New York City...

Citizens may not greet each other by "putting one's thumb to the nose and wiggling the fingers".

It is illegal for a woman to be on the street wearing "body hugging clothing." Women may go topless in public, providing it is not being used as a business.

http://movies.msn.com/movies/article.aspx?news=218584&GT1=7701

Did she or didn't she?

http://anomalies-unlimited.com/Jackson.html

http://www.ahajokes.com/laws010.html

Mariah Carey was one of the first celebrities to comment on the death of the King of Jordan. Mariah told CNN "I'm inconsolable at the present time, I was a very good friend of Jordan, he was probably the greatest basketball player this country has ever seen, we will never see his like again". When told by reporters that it was King Hussein of Jordan who had died and not Michael Jordan, Mariah was then led away by her security in a state of "confusion".

http://www.nypost.com/gossip/pagesix/pagesix.htm

A blind man walked into a bank with his seeing-eye dog that guided him everywhere. He walked into the center of the bank floor, took the dog by the chain, and started swinging him around his head.
Everyone stopped what they were doing and stared. The other customers were taken aback and some were very upset at the way the animal was being treated. One of the tellers ran up to the blind man and asked, "Sir, what are you doing!?!"
The man turned toward the teller and said, "Oh, nothing - just looking around."

Legal humor:

A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates. "$50.00 for three questions," replied the lawyer. "Isn't that kinda steep?", asked the man while dolling out the $50.00. "Yes," answered the lawyer, "what's your third question?"

I'm OK, and So Am I.

An attorney representing himself in a case for recovery of his fees had his case dismissed because he failed to appear for a scheduled court hearing. He subsequently filed a motion requesting relief from the judgment of dismissal based upon the theory that it wouldn't be fair to penalize the client for the mistakes of his attorney. Defendants filed their opposition to the motion, which included the following excerpt:
"Uniquely, Plaintiff herein, an attorney litigating in pro se, is alleging that he has caused his client (himself) irreparable harm for which he should not be made to bear the mistakes of his attorney (also himself). Defendants, jokingly, have dubbed this the 'Sybil' defense."

Actually said at court:

By Defendant: Judge, I want you to appoint me another lawyer.

By the Court: And why is that?

Defendant: Because the Public Defender isn't interested in my case.

The Court (addressing the public denfender): Do you have any comments on the defendant's motion?

By the Public Defender: I'm sorry, Your Honor. I wasn't listening.

AND

By the Court: You may call your next witness.

By Defendant's Attorney: Your Honor, at this time I would like to swat [opposing counsel] on the head with his client's deposition.

The Court: You mean read it?

Defendant's Attorney: No, Sir. I mean to swat him on the head with it. Pursuant to Rule 32, I may use the deposition "for any purpose" and that's the purpose I want to use it for.

The Court: Well, it does say that.

Quiet pause.

The Court: There being no objection, you may proceed.

Defendant's Attorney: Thank you, Judge.

Thereafter, Defendant's attorney swatted plaintiff's attorney on the head with the deposition.

By Plaintiff's Attorney (the victim): But Judge ...

The Court: Next witness.

Plaintiff's Attorney: ... We object.

The Court: Sustained. Next witness.